Subtle, Very Subtle

“Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

You have different approaches in life for making change, getting a point across, or helping a fellow human. The basic ones are being subtle, straight forward, audacious, and various others. We each employ these different approaches in different measures depending on circumstance, importance of message, and personality. Though by far my favourite is being subtle, especially when it comes to change.

My father-in-law and I had a discussion one time about the fact that my middle child was not all that interested in college. He disagreed with the fact that I was okay with that if that is what she chose to do. I have always made it clear to my kids I believe they need something beyond high school though, that need not be college, just something. He thought I should have a good talking with my daughter and tell her she needed to go to college. Though he has always been one to speak his mind, whether you wanted to hear it or not, at least with me (you know the stealer of his daughter) . So this approach would match his personality.

My approach in these matters is different. I always say that I believe in planting seeds. I have found that planting seeds can be more effective and less evasive than a direct confrontation. Though planting seeds, as any farmer will tell you, is an act of faith. You have faith that seed will grow into something. I also accept that seed may not grow as intended but it may still grow into something uniquely beautiful.

“It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men’s hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit.” Robert Louis Stevenson

What I mean by planting seeds is that I like to plant ideas, concepts, and the like. Then I let the individual or group nurture it how they wish. It’s amazing to actually watch. Also I look for no credit in whatever it becomes because once the idea is planted, it is theirs to make their own. Now I might plant a few seeds because I know that no farmer will just plant one seed and expect a bountiful crop, but I do it overtime.

I tell my daughter about a conversation I had with Dan’s brother while helping him move. How he doesn’t consider work truly work because he enjoys it. He does graphic design, which my daughter is very good in the arena of art. I make subtle comments from time to time about various things. I have had direct conversations with her but it is more about what she likes to do in life and various aspects of life.

We all parent differently and my approach is truly to guide, not to dictate. Which means I believe completely in communication. Do I have opinions on my childrens’ lives most definitely. Do I force those opinions upon them, not normally. I say not normally because certain things must be addressed whether they want to hear it or not. Most times I prefer a good dialogue with my children.

“God is subtle but he is not malicious.”

― Albert Einstein

Though I don’t just plant seeds with my children. I plant them throughout my various interactions in the world. Most times in subtle ways. I actually find it interesting to watch what happens to those seeds. Some never grow, while others become something much more beautiful than I ever thought. Though that beauty has everything to do with others and nothing to do with me.

I commonly use subtle or simple statements in moments that someone gets angry. I plant a seed and when they snap at me, which I have had on various occasions, I just let it go. Though it is interesting to see what happens when they calm down and come back to a more rational mindset.

We all employ various techniques. I don’t just use subtle, and some moments do require a bit more of a sledge hammer approach. Though to be honest, most times I look back at the sledgehammer moments and realize I could have handled it differently. I also am not so subtle when I notice things aren’t getting done and there is no direction or too many directions. The approach depends on situation sometimes.

“Let the wise guard their thoughts, which are difficult to perceive, extremely subtle, and wander at will. Thought which is well guarded is the bearer of happiness.”

Siddhartha

Though by far my favorite approach is the seed approach. Introduce an idea and let it grow from there. It also is more fun for me, because I get to watch what happens with it and what it becomes. Also because if it becomes something, then I know that it was something that the other person was at least agreeable with.

If I use a sledgehammer and the other person does it, I never know if they were happy about it, nor do they truly make it their own. There is a certain self-esteem boost in making something your own. Even if the seed was planted by someone else.

Thank you for your time. I hope you have an amazing day.

“Your basic guy is into a straight-ahead, bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway.”

Dave Barry